So close – lessons from my move

3 05 2010

The old house is locked, keys handed over and a new chapter begins.

However, the real part doesn’t begin for another couple of days.  Right now, I’m settling into a “limbo” state for a couple of days while I hang out in Chris’ apartment so the floors can get replaced in my new place.

Which feels really strange.

Little A says she misses her old home.  She says she doesn’t like this home.  She says it’s an “old home” not a new one.  I think this is because none of the boxes are unpacked yet and nothing seems familiar.  I wish I could give her more familiarity, but for now, all I have is our bed in a living room in the house of her father.  Which she’s sleeping peacefully in.

I feel so close.  Yet, two or three days (depending on when they are done) feels like forever.  It feels like a world away, as I wait in this energy that is not mine.  As I watch Chris put his life together around the boxes of my stuff.

This move has taught me so much.  I went through some very difficult body experiences, feeling sciatica back in my body, vomiting and generally not being able to sleep very well. My body was so communicative to me.  It let me know when enough was enough.  It let me know that it wasn’t stressing itself out anymore for Chris.  It let me slow down and make Chris take responsibility for his part of the move.  Though incredibly uncomfortable, my body taught me much.

This move has taught me more about gratitude than I can imagine.  I am so grateful for the support and Love and kindness I have received through this move.  More people than I ever expected came out to help.  It made the moving process so smooth, easy and as de-stressed as possible.  Friends helped take little A so I could pack.  Friends came to clean.  Friends helped pack.  Friends hauled all my stuff around while I sat with little A resting my back.  And they did it all with such grace and Love.  It brought gratitude from the very depths of my soul to overpour out into the world.

This move taught me humility.  Again. How I had to ask for, and receive, fully, the help that I needed.  How I had to swallow my “pride” and allow people to see me in a very vulnerable state.  To get the help I needed I had to drop any pretense of “having it together” or any sort of societal norm of what success looks like.  Truly humbling.

Humility is such an amazing thing to experience.  Humility brings us to a place of being completely in awe of existence, completely vulnerable, completely surrendered to what is and not what we project on the world.  It is a place where, from every direction, we can learn and we can receive and we can give.  So beautiful, and yet, so challenging to maintain in this world of materialism.

This move taught me how to hold space and receive little A more fully.  She moved (and is moving) through some really intense emotions around the move, Chris and my separation and the general change in her life that is happening because of this.  Almost every day, for the last week, especially, she has broken down, at least once, sometimes more, per day into a huge screaming explosion.

At first, I was trying to redirect, allow her to focus on something else or, when she screamed at me to go away, I would.  And then, I read an article about parenting through connection.  It talked about staying with your children while they’re screaming, not disciplining them, not leaving, not distracting.  Just being present and receiving the fullness of their emotions.

So, I tried it.  And little A went from having 50 tiny freakouts/day to 1-3 massive freakouts/day.  A huge difference.  She was much calmer, less needy and more fun to be with.

But BOY! did it hurt.  It is so hard to receive those feelings of “I don’t want you”, “go away mama, you’re too heavy, you have too much stuff”, “I don’t like your decisions”, “I don’t like you mama” for a half hour straight.  To just say “I know. I hear you”.  To just offer compassion.  To just offer space for those emotions to be held so that they can pass.  I felt so humbled.  I felt so sad.

But I know now that I can really receive her.  And that feels wonderful.  It has really strengthened our bond together.

Now, I’m going to go to bed, wake up in the morning and do some gardening in my new garden beds.  I am so excited to be living in this budding urban ecovillage!

(pictures will come soon.  I have to find the camera. LOL!)




2 responses

3 05 2010

so terribly beautiful Meme. what a powerful lesson to teach a child: that no matter what they’re feeling, no matter how dark the emotions, Mama will love her & honour her experience of them. i’m tearing up over here ❤ you're giving her the tools to cope with intense emotions herself one day too, because you're making them not-so-scary. has anyone told you lately what a fabulous mama you are? because you most definitely are ❤

6 05 2010

thank you!

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