My home town

29 03 2010

I’m back in “my home town.”  Really, I was raised in the country, but when my parent’s split up, around age 5, my mother moved to the closest city.  So, I consider it my home town.

It is a Northern Ontario town: gorgeous landscape and little culture.

My mother really wants me to move back to be close to family.  She says that the consciousness is shifting.  She says that there’s  a lot more culture here, more open minds, young people moving back etc etc.

I know that all this is true, but I just don’t see it.  The change doesn’t seem fast enough for me.  The city doesn’t seem “enough” for me.

It is always interesting to look at parts of my life and examine what is actually happening there.  I find, no matter how I try, I always see North Bay as a white, backwaters, racist, go-nowhere town.   But I also know lots of neat people here, doing really progressive things.

I am holding North Bay in this image I have made of it.  I have not allowed for change or movement to enter into my idea of it.  I bring judgment to it.  If North Bay were a human, I wouldn’t like them, no matter what they did to try to please me.  This irks me.

The people I see in North Bay, I don’t see as the brilliant beings of light they truly are.  I see them as a part of the whole I call “North Bay”: close-minded, prejudice and simple.  I see the businesses, not as cool little places to go, but as sad places, where the people are struggling to succeed.

It is interesting to hold judgment on a place, especially a city, where change is happening all the time.  There is so much motion in a city.  People move here and move away, businesses sprout up, architecture changes, babies are born and people die.  It would be like judging all Americans because their government has done really destructive things.

As a being on a spiritual path, I think it is important to examine these thoughts, no matter where they sprout up from.  Judgment is judgment no matter what it is passed on.

I really love the song by Salt ‘n Pepa “None of your Business“.  The end says “there’s only one true judge and that’s God, so Chill and let the Father do his job.”

Now, I do not believe in the judgment of God being something that either grants you the gates of Heaven or damns you to Hell.  Nor do I view “god” as the big man in the sky, classic Christian father figure.  This line is great because it reminds me to “chill” and let judgment fall from me.  It reminds me that any judgment that would be remotely accurate would be from something much larger than myself, as I have no knowledge of the complexity of any individual, situation or place.

By viewing everything with accepting Love, I can allow for the infinite expression of that thing to be present in my presence.  By passing judgment I limit it with my judgments and cease to receive the totality of the gifts it has to offer.

Even knowing this, I still judge this city harshly.  On this journey, I have been examining exactly what it is about my home town that I am so opposed to.  What is it that I am afraid of that I can’t see past a bad high school experience?

Maybe I’m afraid that if I let it in, I’ll fall in Love, move here and be in the same situation as my mother: living in a place she doesn’t really want to live, but staying there because that’s where she is. Maybe I just over-analyze my life and need to just allow things to be instead of thinking about them so darn much.

Breathe.  Laugh.

Life is a hilarious journey.  Thanks for the ride, Universe!

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2 responses

29 03 2010
sunny

Hi Amelia…

Just read your blog and this is what i get..(please excuse proper grammar , spelling.. i’m eating lunch and super tired)…I believe home is home, based on memories and vibes. There are certain areas in vancouver i can’t live in…i just can’t..i judge them based on past experiences..My home means more to me then most(i feel) because its all i have. Its where i build a future for my kids, its where i meet and share with my partner, its where i feed and comfort those without a home, its where orphan thanksgiving and christmas started, its the place my children feel safe to sleep and eat…its where a lay my head and heart at the end of the day.
So i say don’t feel bad if you judge north bay…maybe its not the place for you and A…or maybe you’ll find a pocket somewhere in it to lay your head or find a community for A…but if you don’t you will find that place.
What I can say is that when ive had the shittiest day on earth(which happens too often) i find comfort in driving/walking onto our street, looking at our potted street garden, opening the door to my sanctuary i call home..because im safe and all i can give is love……..
xo sun

30 03 2010
mamameme

Oh, Sunny! I almost cried when I read your comment! Thanks so much for the support and words of encouragement. 🙂 it really means a lot.

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